Slushing Around

So much snow. Slightly comical. An unexpected and historical blizzard. God is a funny man. He’s definitely always taken the worst situations and found a way to make them slightly laughable. During those days....I remember so much and yet nothing at all. The memories are almost trivial. I’m not sure if that’s due to me blocking so much out and tucking information away for another day or if I really couldn’t process my situation.

My new Trenton boots. I found myself wishing I had packed warmer and thicker socks. The snow was up to my knees. I should have gone with a higher boot. By day 3, my new boots had sprung a leak. Great. My brother had L.L.Bean boots....he had just purchased them in November. Probably wore them a handful of times. I wished my feel would fit in his shoe. He had told me to go with the same brand but I’d found these cute boots on Nordstrom.com and “needed” them.

We would walk to dinner, walk to my brothers apartment, fight to get out of the cars and hike over a mountain of snow...to walk on a sidewalk. How were we supposed to pack up his apartment if we could hardly navigate the city. I found myself standing in a grocery store,!frozen. Completely frozen. I couldn’t breath. I couldn’t make a sound or move. I could just stand there motionless and pray that this moment would pass. I needed to make it one moment at a time.

I hate Chicago. If I ever go back, it will be too soon. The very mention of the name makes my belly turn. Thankfully the sudden tears have subsided. The snow was a distraction. Those first nights, weeks....I would wake from my sleep sobbing uncontrollably. I would roll over, take a sip of water and a pill and go back to sleep. Sleep helped pass the time but reality would find its way in and remind me that we weren’t here for vacation, we were here to collect my brothers things and send him home, where we would say hood-bye.

The smell of his apartment. The placement of his things..all burned in my memory. If I close my eyes, I can almost imagine myself curled up on his bed, hugging his pillow and taking in his smell. When we were younger he was almoOCD over his bed. He would yell if I touched it “CARRIE! You’re messing it up!” - I would laugh.

3.5 years later and I can’t bring myself to accept that he’s gone. How can this world be so harsh. How can I be left, to live the rest of my life without him in it. Completely unfair. Maybe one day I’ll come to terms...but as Justin’s 36 Birthday approaches I know this won’t be the year I find peace.