Life Saver

The day I told my Brother he was going to become an Uncle, I sent him an ultrasound photo of the baby waving. He was beyond excited and for the next 3 months would check-in on me and the baby. He couldn’t wait to become an Uncle and I couldn’t wait for our family to have a new little human to take us to this next stage in life. We were going to focus more on spending big holidays together, the new baby’s birthday....I even jokingly (half serious) asked Justin if he would move to Pittsburgh and be my manny (and do my hair for free!)

The morning my brother died, I was 6 months pregnant. My pregnancy was the only thing that prevented me from neglecting myself and falling further down the dark hole I found myself. This little human forced me to have a very small glimmer of hope and excitement. 

Over the course of the next 3 months, I struggled greatly with depression and anxiety. Nora’s birthday marked the 3 month anniversary of my brothers death to the day, almost the hour, that I discovered he was unresponsive in his apartment. I cried uncontrollably after Nora entered the world. It was the first moment of true happiness I had experienced in 3 months. It was overwhelming. The message from God and my brother, did not go unnoticed. I’ve always believed that God has a hand in EVERYTHING and the fact that on Friday, January 30, 2015, I swore I would never leave my bed, be happy on or celebrate anything on the 30th of any month, ever again....well...God made sure that I had a reason and that reason was Nora. I am so thankful to Him.  

I hate to put so much responsibility on Nora but she is truly the reason I survived. She gave me a reason to get up, feed myself, shower, leave the house....she provided hours of cuddles and love...which was so much of what I needed. 

I found that there is really nothing out there over the loss of a sibling. It’s almost as if we’re expected to throw it under the rug and move on. I’ve unfortunately known a few people who have also experienced the loss of a brother at a young adult age. I reached out to one of those friend and her response stung me. She said I can’t understand your grief because each relationship is different. That statement, in my current state of mine shut me down. I retreated back inside my own head. I now understand what she meant. I respect it and believe it. But at the time it stung. I felt that there was nobody else in the world who could remotely understand the pain I felt.

4 years ago, I expected my life to go something like this....My younger sister would probably pass away at an early age (40’s - she has a disability and many health issues) - I’m mentally prepared for that. My older siste is 14 years older. I always expected she would pass before me. Justin.....I expected he and I would live to our 80’s and would help the other through life. Even as I type this....tears flow because I still can’t bring myself to believe reality. It’s so painful and easier to deal with that hard fact at a later date.

I’m just so thankful for God. I sometimes think of how my life would have gone if I wasn’t expecting Nora. I’m not proud to say this but I expect I would have destroyed my relationship with my husband. I would have probably left my job, moved home with my parents and continued in a downward spiral. God knew what was coming my way, he prepared me to be as strong as possible. He gave me a huge light in my life. He blessed me with a husband, who no matter how hard I tried, continues to stay by my side and support me. Listen to me cry. And tell me it’s going to be okay. It will be okay. I will always cry for the loss of my best friend and the future we should have enjoyed. But I will continue to breath. I will continue to walk with faith and hope and I will continue to live. There will be days where the pain knocks me down. I still struggle to talk about my loss person to person....which is why I’ve started to blog. I don’t promote my blog and I’m not even sure anyone reads, which is probably best : ) but I needed/wanted an outlet to write down my random and jumbled thoughts.

Slushing Around

So much snow. Slightly comical. An unexpected and historical blizzard. God is a funny man. He’s definitely always taken the worst situations and found a way to make them slightly laughable. During those days....I remember so much and yet nothing at all. The memories are almost trivial. I’m not sure if that’s due to me blocking so much out and tucking information away for another day or if I really couldn’t process my situation.

My new Trenton boots. I found myself wishing I had packed warmer and thicker socks. The snow was up to my knees. I should have gone with a higher boot. By day 3, my new boots had sprung a leak. Great. My brother had L.L.Bean boots....he had just purchased them in November. Probably wore them a handful of times. I wished my feel would fit in his shoe. He had told me to go with the same brand but I’d found these cute boots on Nordstrom.com and “needed” them.

We would walk to dinner, walk to my brothers apartment, fight to get out of the cars and hike over a mountain of snow...to walk on a sidewalk. How were we supposed to pack up his apartment if we could hardly navigate the city. I found myself standing in a grocery store,!frozen. Completely frozen. I couldn’t breath. I couldn’t make a sound or move. I could just stand there motionless and pray that this moment would pass. I needed to make it one moment at a time.

I hate Chicago. If I ever go back, it will be too soon. The very mention of the name makes my belly turn. Thankfully the sudden tears have subsided. The snow was a distraction. Those first nights, weeks....I would wake from my sleep sobbing uncontrollably. I would roll over, take a sip of water and a pill and go back to sleep. Sleep helped pass the time but reality would find its way in and remind me that we weren’t here for vacation, we were here to collect my brothers things and send him home, where we would say hood-bye.

The smell of his apartment. The placement of his things..all burned in my memory. If I close my eyes, I can almost imagine myself curled up on his bed, hugging his pillow and taking in his smell. When we were younger he was almoOCD over his bed. He would yell if I touched it “CARRIE! You’re messing it up!” - I would laugh.

3.5 years later and I can’t bring myself to accept that he’s gone. How can this world be so harsh. How can I be left, to live the rest of my life without him in it. Completely unfair. Maybe one day I’ll come to terms...but as Justin’s 36 Birthday approaches I know this won’t be the year I find peace.