The morning my brother died, I was 6 months pregnant. My pregnancy was the only thing that prevented me from neglecting myself and falling further down the dark hole I found myself. This little human forced me to have a very small glimmer of hope and excitement.
Over the course of the next 3 months, I struggled greatly with depression and anxiety. Nora’s birthday marked the 3 month anniversary of my brothers death to the day, almost the hour, that I discovered he was unresponsive in his apartment. I cried uncontrollably after Nora entered the world. It was the first moment of true happiness I had experienced in 3 months. It was overwhelming. The message from God and my brother, did not go unnoticed. I’ve always believed that God has a hand in EVERYTHING and the fact that on Friday, January 30, 2015, I swore I would never leave my bed, be happy on or celebrate anything on the 30th of any month, ever again....well...God made sure that I had a reason and that reason was Nora. I am so thankful to Him.
I hate to put so much responsibility on Nora but she is truly the reason I survived. She gave me a reason to get up, feed myself, shower, leave the house....she provided hours of cuddles and love...which was so much of what I needed.
I found that there is really nothing out there over the loss of a sibling. It’s almost as if we’re expected to throw it under the rug and move on. I’ve unfortunately known a few people who have also experienced the loss of a brother at a young adult age. I reached out to one of those friend and her response stung me. She said I can’t understand your grief because each relationship is different. That statement, in my current state of mine shut me down. I retreated back inside my own head. I now understand what she meant. I respect it and believe it. But at the time it stung. I felt that there was nobody else in the world who could remotely understand the pain I felt.
4 years ago, I expected my life to go something like this....My younger sister would probably pass away at an early age (40’s - she has a disability and many health issues) - I’m mentally prepared for that. My older siste is 14 years older. I always expected she would pass before me. Justin.....I expected he and I would live to our 80’s and would help the other through life. Even as I type this....tears flow because I still can’t bring myself to believe reality. It’s so painful and easier to deal with that hard fact at a later date.
I’m just so thankful for God. I sometimes think of how my life would have gone if I wasn’t expecting Nora. I’m not proud to say this but I expect I would have destroyed my relationship with my husband. I would have probably left my job, moved home with my parents and continued in a downward spiral. God knew what was coming my way, he prepared me to be as strong as possible. He gave me a huge light in my life. He blessed me with a husband, who no matter how hard I tried, continues to stay by my side and support me. Listen to me cry. And tell me it’s going to be okay. It will be okay. I will always cry for the loss of my best friend and the future we should have enjoyed. But I will continue to breath. I will continue to walk with faith and hope and I will continue to live. There will be days where the pain knocks me down. I still struggle to talk about my loss person to person....which is why I’ve started to blog. I don’t promote my blog and I’m not even sure anyone reads, which is probably best : ) but I needed/wanted an outlet to write down my random and jumbled thoughts.
4 years ago, I expected my life to go something like this....My younger sister would probably pass away at an early age (40’s - she has a disability and many health issues) - I’m mentally prepared for that. My older siste is 14 years older. I always expected she would pass before me. Justin.....I expected he and I would live to our 80’s and would help the other through life. Even as I type this....tears flow because I still can’t bring myself to believe reality. It’s so painful and easier to deal with that hard fact at a later date.
I’m just so thankful for God. I sometimes think of how my life would have gone if I wasn’t expecting Nora. I’m not proud to say this but I expect I would have destroyed my relationship with my husband. I would have probably left my job, moved home with my parents and continued in a downward spiral. God knew what was coming my way, he prepared me to be as strong as possible. He gave me a huge light in my life. He blessed me with a husband, who no matter how hard I tried, continues to stay by my side and support me. Listen to me cry. And tell me it’s going to be okay. It will be okay. I will always cry for the loss of my best friend and the future we should have enjoyed. But I will continue to breath. I will continue to walk with faith and hope and I will continue to live. There will be days where the pain knocks me down. I still struggle to talk about my loss person to person....which is why I’ve started to blog. I don’t promote my blog and I’m not even sure anyone reads, which is probably best : ) but I needed/wanted an outlet to write down my random and jumbled thoughts.